Funny Quotes

*Just because you don't have a life, don't make me late for mine.

*I'm trying to see things your way, but I can't get my head up my butt.

*How about never? Is never good for you?

*And your crybaby, whiney-ass opinion would be...?

*If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

*Shhh...That's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

*I'm not good at empathy, will you settle for sarcasm?

*Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

*I am not a Bitch, I'm THE Bitch.
*All stressed out and no one to choke.

*"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

*All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!

*Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

*All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

*If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

*I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

*What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

*No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.

*I'm a cruel and heartless bitch but I’m damn good at it

*I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES

*Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.

*Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.
*the key to any relationship is sincerity. once you can fake that, the rest is easy

*the number one cause of divorce is marriage

*meat is murder...tasty, tasty murder

*the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

*a barrel full of monkeys would not be fun, it would be horrifying

*never go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge

*don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice

*don't drink to drown your sorrow, sorrow knows how to swim

*never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

*don't hit kids.....no, seriously. they have guns now

*before giving anyone a piece of your mind be sure you have enough to spare

*i've never met a person i couldn't blame

*americans will always do the right thing, after they've exhausted all the alternatives